Vulnerability

Everyone has an explanation. A journey and process. A way to reveal how they turned out.
Everyone has pain to some degree, failures, and expectations.

Worries and doubts, happiness and anger.

Emotion. Feelings.

Everyone has a story.

Things we don't think are significant, details we cast off as unimportant, are really the stepping stones to the big picture – the tiny pieces of the intricate puzzle.

God's been showing me a little of His perfect timing. He orchestrates everything perfectly, working things together exactly as they should be. Working out for the best each time. Why is that so hard to believe? To trust? We know there's a higher power who loves us. Who created us as the object of His love. Yet we are skeptical to believe that He'd work out things for the best every time.

He has been showing me change. I keep saying I'm not the same person who arrived here three-and-a-half weeks ago and it's becoming truer every day. It won't stop even when we return, I know that for a fact. It's a little painful at times, but I like to think of it as God massaging the knots out of my life, intentionally exploiting all of the flaws. It's a good hurt. And it's soooo rewarding in the end.

I was asked by Pam to share my story – my testimony, I guess you could say, though I don't like that “church-y” word – with everyone who was here one evening. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I knew I needed to and that God would give me the strength. Sitting on the veranda, squeezing the life out of friends' hands beside me, I spilled my guts and was completely vulnerable. I never thought I had a story to tell; I certainly don't have the happy ending. But for the first time I felt like that happy ending was possible. Probable. Guaranteed. I felt liberated. I felt safe. I could feel God's presence as He cried with me. I could feel Him hugging me as I was obediently sharing what He had done in my life and giving the glory back to Him. I knew it was a defining moment in my journey. It was the start of a new chapter.

Some days feel like a roller coaster, constantly up and down emotionally. Nauseating at times. I get sick of myself and the way I am, becoming more apt to change.

Yesterday, I was blessed to wake up to 6 of my brothers from the Dove Voice Band being here, with 2 more arriving in the evening. I feel like I missed out on an incredible opportunity, though, because I took for granted the time they were here and should have spent more time talking to them, relating to them. I wanted no regret on this trip, so I feel I should have taken advantage of having them here, and I didn't. They're awesome guys, so full of the Holy Spirit, and I loved worshiping and praying with them. It makes me want to see them that much more so I can remedy the situation and soak up as much as I can next time.

Hannah, Rose, and I all had talked about wanting Swahili names, and at one point we asked Sami and Robert to give us some. When we talked with them, Sami told me that one had immediately come to mind. He gave me the name, “Ushindi,”(oo-shin-dee) the Swahili word for “victory”. Again, it was God's perfect timing, because my recurring theme is that I'm not a victim anymore. 

 

I'm losing that victim mindset. God's been breaking down my walls and making me be vulnerable; He's helped me overcome my past, slowly getting me to trust again, especially men. This process is so gradual and gentle that it hasn't come as a shock or surprise, and I only really realize the defining changes in hindsight. Having older brothers like the Dove Boys and younger brothers like Mama Sera's boys has helped fill the void that I created by withdrawing from guys all my life. Men loving me and me not fearing. Me feeling safe. Feeling protected.

My heart's getting so full already, and wanting more and more. Instead of just expanding my old one, God gave me a brand new heart and is filling it on a level more than I could have ever imagined before. I want to salvage relationships I’ve lost, people I’ve pushed away.

I am made new.

Love you all!

-Sarah-